as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i need some magic done to my vagina
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
