I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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