I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
