I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
