I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
