My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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