I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
