so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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