Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
