She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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