Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
