So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
