It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
