so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
