Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
