When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
