I want to make a zoo with you.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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