Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
