hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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