im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
