So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
do nipples grow back?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
