No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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