I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
