i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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