Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
