it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
