remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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