I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
