I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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