oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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