New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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