My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
