I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
