Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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