We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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