You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
