Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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