whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
