You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
