My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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