I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
