you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
