It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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