I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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