One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
