who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
