New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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