I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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