So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
