I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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