im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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